Let Them Be Little: THOUGHTS

Once again, I am up late.

Waiting.

Waiting for a call from Emily. She is at EFY this week. I miss her.

Though she is out of town, I cannot rest at night until I know that she has made it back to the dorm safe and sound. And I feel that I need to hear about her day, even if it is only for a few minutes; just to hear her voice and gain a sense of whether or not she is doing well.

This morning we had a very brief conversation, she was on her way out for a day of classes and other fun things. The girls she has been placed with sound wonderful. They all get along and feel as though they have been friends for a long time. Her days have been jam-packed which is good since she is so far away. I have felt an extra sense of calm and security as far as she is concerned since Nathan is there and can help her if she were to need anything. (Which she did when she first got there and they couldn't find her on any lists! Poor girl!)

Speaking of Nathan, I miss him. Coming home to a house with only 3 children seemed strange. I am continually feeling as if someone is missing, and he is. Leaving him at BYU (the last time I left him) was hard but not horrible because he was so happy there. And it is time for him to be on his own. (So I don't make him call and check in nightly, even though I would love to hear his voice also.) I worry about his study load for summer. I am worried that it might be too heavy, I hope he is still doing well.

When I initially left Nathan at college, I cried a bucket of tears. Tears of sadness for me, happiness for him.

My focus immediately went to my grandmother though, who had been transported to a hospital nearby. My plans changed when I realized I needed to stay with my grandma, so I did see Nathan briefly on occasion throughout the next week.

As hard as it was to see the decline in my grandmother's health and worry that we may lose her at any given time, I am grateful for that time with her. Time alone with her in the hospital. Time to care for her and show her how much I love her while she is still here. I wouldn't trade that difficult but beautiful experience for anything. One day as I was rubbing lotion on her legs, feet, arms and hands, combing out her hair, tending to her bed sores, and adjusting her in the hospital bed, she whispered in my ear, "This is quite comforting." I wasn't sure what she was referring to (yet I wanted to make sure I knew what she needed) so I asked, "What is comforting, Grandma?" She replied, "The way you are caring for me." I cried.

She is still living in my Uncle Ken's home, the family is still pitching in to help care for her, home health care comes to help bathe her twice a week and now hospice is caring for her as well. Just a couple of weeks before she became ill and had to be hospitalized, she was taking care of herself and everything around her home, including her own yard work. She is on a completely liquid diet, sometimes even strictly liquid is too much for her body to process.
The hospital stay seemed to age her about 10 years, and on a 93 year old woman that's a lot! Each day we have with her is a gift. I know there are not too many of those "gifts" left.

Being gone for a month certainly took a toll on me physically. I am still trying to get my body to perk up. The drive home was horrible. Nothing terrible happened, thank heaven, but I have never had to drive when I have felt that badly before . I was so tired that I kept falling asleep. I never do that! I would have to pull off the road every 2 hours and rest, it took forever to get home. One of the times I was resting, I had a dream. In the dream I had fallen asleep while driving, the car was off the road and I couldn't get it to stop. I woke up mid dream, mid roll-over, jumped in my seat and slammed on the breaks (thinking that it was really happening and not just a dream). My pulse was racing. I was scared to death. When I realized we were already stopped and I had been asleep, I knew I was doing the right thing by resting when possible.

When we stopped at a "safety rest area" just after coming into TX., I noticed quite a few signs posted warning visitors about rattlesnakes! They call it a safety rest area. Really.

At 112 degrees upon hitting the TX border, I was excited that my feet were once again warm. They are always cold. I was cold the whole time we were gone. But it only takes a few minutes for me to warm up in TX! Yippee!

Our home was put back on the market while we were out of town (ya, late in the season, we know.). I don't even know what to think or expect as far as that goes...actually, I expect nothing. I don't know what would be best for our family. Would it be best to move right now? Should we keep living in limbo? I don't know and I guess there isn't really a choice yet unless our house decides to appeal to someone!

We came home just in time to see our friends, the Frisbie's (from Tulsa), while they were in town and host our friends, the Baca's (from Atlanta), for a week. So much fun! More on that later.

I am still trying to catch up on the blog from our travels but felt I needed to fill in some blanks on what has been going on with us.

This has been a strange time for me, surreal even. I feel like I am living in a zombie-like state at times. Some of that feeling is due to adjusting to this new stage in life, the rest comes from dealing with my health. And that gives me hope! I will adjust and I will get better!

I have heard from my Emi girl (who is happy as a clam!) and now am off to bed!

Comments

You had a very full month. Glad you are starting to warm up.

Posted by: Jonathan | July 23, 2009 at 07:38 AM

I knew by reading between the lines that there was a heavy load on you lately. You give so much and the Lord will bless you for that. Glad to hear that Nathan is doing so well. I remember going to EFY at BYU. What a blast that was. Emily will come home with so many stories and on a spritual high.

Posted by: Kim | July 23, 2009 at 09:09 AM