THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY

TO BE COMPLETELY "FAIR" TO ALL

of your children,

all of the time....

{drumroll..., please...}

Have one child!

Now, I am not saying that we should all have one child (I like kids, lots of kids!),

but it is the only way to avoid having your children tell you that one of the (other) children is better off than another and you (the parent) are just not "fair" to all.

This, the fairness thing, begins early.  As soon as there is a sibling and one of them can talk...actually, it begins well before that, it happens when one can grab...no, I am correcting myself again, it begins when one child receives a sibling in newborn form.  The newborn can even be in on it, are they hard-wired that way?  Did the fairness fairy sprinkle them with fairness dust before they arrived here? 

Who told them that all would be fair? 

As a mother, I have dedicated my life to serve these four individuals. 

Individuals.

They are called that, individuals, because that is who they are; each is unique and different from the others. 

And I like it that way! 

In fact, I have been striving for the past twenty years to keep them that way.

Parenting to the individual; in order to help mold, shape, teach and train them to better themselves spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and physically. 

That is why I support their choices in activities, classes, friends, likes, dislikes, etc.

Purposefully, I work to parent to their particular needs, desires, personalities, strengths and weaknesses.

As a young mother, when I saw other mothers telling their children - "No, you don't want that!" - as in that piece of candy, the food that just dropped to the floor, that particular toy or drink, that color of shirt, etc., I would think to myself, actually, yes he/she does want that.  That is why the child is on the floor kicking and screaming to make a point.  A child asks for something because they do want it, or think they do.  I felt it would be more honest to let my children know that I didn't want them to have something and why but give choices for something else or a reason as to why that would not be able to happen that day.  I felt it important to not project my likes and dislikes on to them. And I felt it extremely important to always remain in the mother role; allow them freedom to choose while giving them guidelines and structure surrounding those choices.  

Do they (my children) always get what they want?  Oh, heavens no!  But they have been raised with what they need.  They are also very fortunate and blessed, I know that and I am thankful.  Hopefully they appreciate those blessings and opportunities that they are enjoying.

I have believed my methods of parenting to be completely "fair" or at least well-balanced.

However, what is fair to an adult and what seems fair to a child are two different things, aren't they?

So, this week as the fairness fairy sprinkled her dust around our home once again, I was reminded that children, no matter how good they are or how old they happen to be, don't always see things the way we think they do.

At first when I realized this was going on, I went into shock and awe mode.  What?  How could they think I would NOT be completely fair?  Me?  The mom who believes that consequences must fit the crime...the mom who parents to the individual...the mom who loves each of them fully as they are currently...the mom who has given the past 20 years to teaching and guiding them...

hmm.

Now, however, I am thankful that it came up.  This week provided me the opportunity to share with the children my thoughts on parenting and why I do what I do.  It also provided opportunity for me to tell them how I care for them individually, to share with them how much I love them.  I was able to tell them how much I welcome feedback and would love to know how I can do better as a mother.

This fairness issue also provided opportunity to remind them that sometimes, when things come up with one child, the consequences or action taken on our part as parents is NOT broadcast to the other children.  There are times when it is necessary to talk with them collectively but not always.  So, sometimes, things may seem unjust but may actually be quite the opposite. 

It also provided opportunity to let them know in a nice way that some things are just none of their business.

While trying to explain to them why I parent the individual, I talked with them about my mission as a mother.  We had really great discussion on that.

They also learned (verbally) that I am teaching and training each to be the best Megan, Nathan, Ashton, or Emily that they can be...I am not trying to help Megan be the best Emily or Smash that she can be, or Emily to be the best Megan, or Nathan to be the best Emily, etc.  (Yes, I am still including Nathan even though he is not here.)

Just as I cannot change a carnation or rose into a daisy...even though I love daisies...I cannot treat my children as if they are all the same and get great results, I cannot change who they are and who God intends for them to become, I can only assist and guide them to reach their individual potential.

To further illustrate this to the kids, I let them know that they would never eat a Chip's Ahoy cookie the way they eat their Oreos.  It's impossible.  They twist the tops, eat the middles and dunk the cookie in milk.  (They seemed to understand that, even though I don't buy Chips Ahoy!  ha, ha!).

So, maybe it is possible to be completely fair, or maybe it isn't. 

Growing together through the ups and downs of family life is totally possible and I think it is better than fair.

Comments

[Megan]

Mommy's my favorite!

Megan~

[Valerie Chandler]

This post is so thoughtful. I am going to re-read it and really process parenting one by one. Thanks for recording these ideas. Love you, Marilyn.

[Jill Shelley]

Great post. And this concern never ends no matter how old they get.

[Mary Perkins]

Great post!

I remember having this same conversation with one of my kids who thought I was not being fair if his scoop of ice cream was smaller than his sister's but he never complained when it was bigger. Actually that was not the only thing he thought was not fair. I finally decided that he was more concerned with equal than he was with fair. I know I did not handle it nearly as well as you did. It think I told him something to the effect that life is not fair. Get over it. Too bad I didn't have your ideas helping me along the way. (It's not fair that you got all ability to teach such good lessons and I didn't.) Oh well, I'll get over it. HEHEHE

[Karen]

Hm. Aunt Mar, when I have kids, will you teach me how to be a good parent? I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be totally lost.

Well, not totally. I did learn a few things from my own parents.

But still. It never hurts to learn a few more lessons, right?

Love you. And miss you.

[Luana]

What a wonderful post from a wonderful mom!

[Jonathan]

I am so glad this topic is getting some attention!

I don't think it's fair that everyone in my family calls me "tardy", what's up with that?

You don't go around calling Nathan 'GPS-challenged', and Emily 'responsible', Ashton 'tease' and Megan 'smily'. How is that fair?? You don't even call your mom 'super-chef', Help me out here!

I'm walking faster this year and do a pretty good job of showing up on time.

Just because I used to chase the bus every morning doesn't mean I've not evolved over the years!

Who cares that I was born late? What's so bad about stopping to smell the flowers?

Are there not worse things than being a day late and a dollar short?

Whew! I feel so much better.... and also pretty certain that the needling will continue...and I'll love every minute of it!

Thanks fam, for not being fair, I love it!

JD

[Joan Lloyd]

Jonathan: DAD HAS ALWAYS SAID: "YOU ARE A DAY LATE AND A DOLLAR SHORT". I don't agree with the day thing or the dollar thing, but I do agree that you are short!!!

Love every minute of it, Jonathan.

[Mar~]

Dear Aunt Mary,

You crack me up! And oh, to be like you! That would be great!

Dear Val,

Thanks for your sweet comment, that meant a lot!

Dear Karen,

You'll do great! But if you want to be close enough for me to enjoy your little ones with you, I would not object!

And last but certainly not least, Dear Jon,
as in Jonathan, not Dear John...

We do call you tardy, we call it as we see it, if you were on time you would know that... :)
Nathan is "directionally challenged," I'm sure he knows how to program a GPS. And yes, we do call him that.
The others have their "fair" share of nick names and taunting, if you would stop smelling the roses, you would know that too...but wait, I don't remember you stopping to smell the roses...that is me! In fact, you just laughed at me the other day for doing that very thing...AND I am on time!
Oh, and please stop trying to walk so fast, the kids are worried about your hurt back.
Remember, all's fair in love and family war!

BTW, this post was actually about the children...

We love you,

[Jonathan]

I've thought it over Mar....

Any that's a very 'fair' assessment!

Love you,

JD

[shelley]

Yes! Yes! This is exactly right -- whether it is fair or not.